Lists

The Friday Five (a little idea I'm stealing from one of my favorite authors):

1. I feel so off. All of these guys have got me down to a lower level than ever. And I hate that it's just dumb guys who have me so down. Even the things that normally make me feel better aren't making me feel better. The normal stuff isn't jolting me back to life. I feel dead inside. What's wrong with me?

2. I make lots of lists. I made twelve last night. Hell, I'm making one right now.

3. It's the six year anniversary of my boss's son's death tonight. It will be a sad day at work. Normally, they hold a small candlelight serviec after the pool closes for the night (it's a small private pool, a lot of the members knew Kevin quite well). This year, instead of the candles, they've hired the Sean Holland Band to celebrate their son's love of music, and will remain open an extra half an hour. I think it is all a wonderful idea, and I'm so happy that the weather is beautiful today. It's been so bad lately, I was worried it would ruin tonight's plans.

4. I am pleased with how good of a job I am doing hanging out with my friends from Oklahoma now that the show is over. I've hung out with Chris and the Krutas, gone across the river to hang out with the Krutas and just hung out with Paul last night, and I have lots of tentative plans coming up that I am very excited about. (the most exciting of which, being tattoo plans with Sister!)

5. I spent the day today with one of my best friends from high school. I miss Sarah so much sometimes. It's never not fun to be around her. We choreographed a dance to "Love Story" by Taylor Swift for Ryan and Shane to do at the employee talent show Sunday night...it will be HILARIOUS if they don't chicken out. Please don't chicken out!

List-maker extraordinaire,
Abigail

Realizations

Funnily enough, in one night I realize that my five "options" are not options at all, just wishful thinking. You can only imagine what a lovely effect that has had on my mood.

I had this all written out in my head, and yet I still cannot find the words to actually type it up. Strange how that works.

I guess I have just come to a few too many realizations in one night.

I've realized that people keep secrets from me, even if I tell them everything.
I've realized that I'm not over it, and that the gaping wounds are still fresh.
I've realized that I'm at a really crummy age because although I'm mature for my age, my age turns guys off.
I've realized that putting yourself out there is extremely dangerous, but utterly necessary.
I've realized that I'm not as smart as I always thought I was.
I've realized that I'm not as important to people as I thought.

That last one sucks the worst. Hurts.

P.S. - You said you didn't count. It's anything but that. So far from that. Just so you know.

Signing off,
Abigail

Choices

1) We have been hanging out, and we hit it off right away. Things were going fantastically, but now that I've been busy with Oklahoma tech and productions, he's gotten very weird. It's hard to find time to hang out because he just wants to spend time alone with me, and feels unimportant because I won't. I am hopeful that things will go back to normal when the show is over, but this is far from the last show I'm going to be doing. Will the pattern continue?

2) You suckered me in when I was vulnerable and completely swept me off my feet. And then dropped me like a hot potato. I would come crawling back in a heartbeat, pathetic as that is.

3) You have an obvious issue with the age difference. You've told me that specifically, actually. Plus, my friend likes you. I'm not really torn up about this one - I never really got in deep because I knew about the age problem from square one. There's probably no reason for you to be on this list, but hey, you're a cutie.

4) You flirt with me outrageously, and I love it. I'm pretty sure you just want some fun before you move, but I'm okay with that (and not to mention extremely flattered).

5) I absolutely adore you and fully believe that we are perfect for each other. But I have not the slightest idea how you feel about me, and judging by the way you act lately, I think you are shying away from me. This makes me sad, because I think we could be great. Wonderful. Fantastic.

This probably makes me seem like a skank. Sorry, I'm a little boy crazy right now.

Signing off,
Abigail

Fallen

I am completely head over heels for a boy.

He is absolutely adorable in every way. I am perfect for him, and he is perfect for me.

And I can't have him. The end.

Signing off,
Abigail

Powerless

Apparently, anger does not equal power. I though I had the power, and that I was walking away from him because I was the one who was angry and he was the one who doesn't care, but that's not true. He has the power because his actions gave me no choice but to walk away. He wins; I lose. The end.

"I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all."
-10 Things I Hate About You

But why am I dwelling on someone I've already lost? I've got enough problems in the present. Ryan is acting weird. I've hardly even gotten to talk to him on the phone. The one time I went out of my way to see him. He seemed excited to see me, at least I thought, but at the same time he was really standoffish. And PB...well I don't think I'll ever know what's up with him.

Showtime on the Showboat opening today. Gotta run.

Signing off,
Abigail.

I'll See You In My Dreams

Dreams. Nightmares.

Usually, there is such a definite line between "dream" and "nightmare".

My last dream blurred that line. It diluted it so much that I'm not sure if it exists anymore.

Such a glorious dream while it happened, but now, back in reality, it just hurts to think that it won't happen. It hurts to know how wonderful I felt in that first second of waking up. It hurts to admit that at least part of me would like for it to happen, stupid as that is. Stupid because of how he treated me and stupid because it's such a pipe dream.

But I haven't felt so glorious (as I did in the dream and waking up) since this all blew up in my face.

Will it be a recurring dream? A sort of story line of dreams?

Would that be good or bad?

My emotions are fucked.

I'll see you in my dreams
And I'll hold you in my dreams
Someone took you right out of my arms
Still I feel the thrill of your charms
Lips that once were mine
Tender eyes that shine
They will light my way tonight
I'll see you in my dreams.

Signing off,
Abigail

On The Move

Lately, I feel like a nomad.

I feel almost constantly in motion. I go from one place to the next, eating when I can, sleeping where I can. I never stop. I took the weekend to go to my family reunion in Black, MO and I came home on Sunday and wasn't even here for fifteen minutes before I was walking out the door with plans outside of my house (despite the fact that I had a pretty bad cold). I wake up, go to work, work on the show if I have time between, go to rehearsal, go out.

I spend so much time away from my house that it's beginning to not feel like home. It's starting to feel like just another stop along the way.

At any given time, I have at least five things pressing on my mind:

Costumes. Lines. Dances. Music. Lyrics. Schedules. Deadlines. Money. Hours. Friends. Family. Dinner. Sleep. Writing. Lessons. School. Car. Outfit. Boys. Cleaning. Piercings. Tattoos. Sick. Organize. Photograph. Facebook. Twitter. Blogspot. Texts. Party. Chill. Decorate. Love. Shopping. Movies. Coffee. Sleep. Food. Gas. Park. Dress. Voice. Work. Job. Shows. Tech. School. Dog. Phone. Computer. QT. Miss you.

Signing off,
Abigail