Thanksgiving

I am thankful for you, every day, but it is really hard to deal with this when you treat me without a lick of consideration.

You say you want to be friends and yet you blatantly ignore me. Or you forget about me. Thanks! You already know that I feel like the most forgettable person in the world, so I really appreciate you milking that one. It's already going to be hard to be just friends. You're making it impossible by not trying. And if you think my occasional texts and phone calls are encroaching on your space, you should probably reevaluate your idea of space.

You say you understand how I feel. You do not understand how I feel. You have felt pain, probably greater pain than myself, at least within the relationship realm. You understand pain, and that I am feeling pain. But you only understand how this pain might make you feel, not how I feel now, not how I feel every day. If you did, maybe, just maybe, you would at least act like you give a shit.

And I know better. I know you. I know you care. But it fucking hurts that your actions make me doubt it for even a second.

So thanks. Thanks for this awesome start to Thanksgiving. But it's okay, it's sure to get better later, when I go have dinner with my deadbeat, pedophile uncle, and his family of alcoholics who turn to the drink to deny the hell they live in, and the kids suffering under their care. That's sure to cheer me up.

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Note To Readers: He'll probably never understand how I feel, because when I get upset with him, I contain these outbursts partly because I want to spare his feelings and also because I just don't have the guts to put it out there. I always have to be the fucking martyr, even for the people who hurt me. I wish I could tell him. I wish he did understand.

Affirmation #1

Affirmation:

I will not be okay.

I am okay.

I may hurt everyday... but I am alive, and I am okay.

Change Your Mind

I feel more and more numb every day. I feel empty.

Also, I saw him, and that sucked.

Girl don’t say a thing
Lie here next to me
Underneath the moonlight
I know it’s getting late
Let the music play
It’s okay to stay the night

How about we give this
One more try
Come on and let me hold you
Come on you know you want to
One more chance to finally
Get this right
I know you think it’s over
Give me a chance to
Change your mind

Ain't been easy
Never will be
It was good
And still could be
I want to touch your skin
Feel your face again
I still believe in you and me

How about we give this
One more try
So come on and let me hold you
Come on you know you want to
One more chance to finally
Get this right
I know you think it’s over
Give me a chance to
Change your mind

How about we give this
One more try
One more chance to finally
Get this right
I know you think it’s over
Give me a chance to
Change your mind

I still believe in you and me

Gloriana, "Change Your Mind"

Giving Up

If you give up on me, then I give up on me, too.

Just Another Day

It only hurts when I breathe.
It only hurts when I try.
It only hurts when I think.
It only hurts when I cry.
It only hurts when I work.
It only hurts when I play.
It only hurts when I move.
It only hurts when I say
It's just another day

-Next To Normal