Choices

1) We have been hanging out, and we hit it off right away. Things were going fantastically, but now that I've been busy with Oklahoma tech and productions, he's gotten very weird. It's hard to find time to hang out because he just wants to spend time alone with me, and feels unimportant because I won't. I am hopeful that things will go back to normal when the show is over, but this is far from the last show I'm going to be doing. Will the pattern continue?

2) You suckered me in when I was vulnerable and completely swept me off my feet. And then dropped me like a hot potato. I would come crawling back in a heartbeat, pathetic as that is.

3) You have an obvious issue with the age difference. You've told me that specifically, actually. Plus, my friend likes you. I'm not really torn up about this one - I never really got in deep because I knew about the age problem from square one. There's probably no reason for you to be on this list, but hey, you're a cutie.

4) You flirt with me outrageously, and I love it. I'm pretty sure you just want some fun before you move, but I'm okay with that (and not to mention extremely flattered).

5) I absolutely adore you and fully believe that we are perfect for each other. But I have not the slightest idea how you feel about me, and judging by the way you act lately, I think you are shying away from me. This makes me sad, because I think we could be great. Wonderful. Fantastic.

This probably makes me seem like a skank. Sorry, I'm a little boy crazy right now.

Signing off,
Abigail

Fallen

I am completely head over heels for a boy.

He is absolutely adorable in every way. I am perfect for him, and he is perfect for me.

And I can't have him. The end.

Signing off,
Abigail

Powerless

Apparently, anger does not equal power. I though I had the power, and that I was walking away from him because I was the one who was angry and he was the one who doesn't care, but that's not true. He has the power because his actions gave me no choice but to walk away. He wins; I lose. The end.

"I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all."
-10 Things I Hate About You

But why am I dwelling on someone I've already lost? I've got enough problems in the present. Ryan is acting weird. I've hardly even gotten to talk to him on the phone. The one time I went out of my way to see him. He seemed excited to see me, at least I thought, but at the same time he was really standoffish. And PB...well I don't think I'll ever know what's up with him.

Showtime on the Showboat opening today. Gotta run.

Signing off,
Abigail.

I'll See You In My Dreams

Dreams. Nightmares.

Usually, there is such a definite line between "dream" and "nightmare".

My last dream blurred that line. It diluted it so much that I'm not sure if it exists anymore.

Such a glorious dream while it happened, but now, back in reality, it just hurts to think that it won't happen. It hurts to know how wonderful I felt in that first second of waking up. It hurts to admit that at least part of me would like for it to happen, stupid as that is. Stupid because of how he treated me and stupid because it's such a pipe dream.

But I haven't felt so glorious (as I did in the dream and waking up) since this all blew up in my face.

Will it be a recurring dream? A sort of story line of dreams?

Would that be good or bad?

My emotions are fucked.

I'll see you in my dreams
And I'll hold you in my dreams
Someone took you right out of my arms
Still I feel the thrill of your charms
Lips that once were mine
Tender eyes that shine
They will light my way tonight
I'll see you in my dreams.

Signing off,
Abigail

On The Move

Lately, I feel like a nomad.

I feel almost constantly in motion. I go from one place to the next, eating when I can, sleeping where I can. I never stop. I took the weekend to go to my family reunion in Black, MO and I came home on Sunday and wasn't even here for fifteen minutes before I was walking out the door with plans outside of my house (despite the fact that I had a pretty bad cold). I wake up, go to work, work on the show if I have time between, go to rehearsal, go out.

I spend so much time away from my house that it's beginning to not feel like home. It's starting to feel like just another stop along the way.

At any given time, I have at least five things pressing on my mind:

Costumes. Lines. Dances. Music. Lyrics. Schedules. Deadlines. Money. Hours. Friends. Family. Dinner. Sleep. Writing. Lessons. School. Car. Outfit. Boys. Cleaning. Piercings. Tattoos. Sick. Organize. Photograph. Facebook. Twitter. Blogspot. Texts. Party. Chill. Decorate. Love. Shopping. Movies. Coffee. Sleep. Food. Gas. Park. Dress. Voice. Work. Job. Shows. Tech. School. Dog. Phone. Computer. QT. Miss you.

Signing off,
Abigail

Shameless Plug

I had my first rehearsal for Showtime on the Showboat tonight, and I am officially excited!

The show is a short melodrama for kids, and for those of you who need a reminder, a melodrama is a story that has a villian in a mustache and a cape who wants to steal the heart of the dame, but is foiled by the hero of the story, and a pianist playing music to match the mood. Showtime is SO cute and after rehearsal tonight, it's, unlike our other shows so far, VERY enjoyable from the adult perspective as well. I high recommend you guys see it.

Showtime on the Showboat runs July 11, 18 and 25 and August 1 at noon. Tickets are $5 each, and you get a free hot dog for every ticket purchased! Come see the show, and bring your friends!

Signing off,
Abigail

Wild At Heart

This summer feels like a roller coaster ride.

I've been down lately. I'm letting certain people get into my head and under my skin and I've let them bog me down with their bullshit. I hate how depressing and dull I have become in the past couple of weeks. I let myself get comfortable coasting along and doing whatever anyone else wanted to do. It's time to change.

I want to go back to be wild and care free; to doing what pleases me when I want to do it; to making choices for myself. I want to do things that I thought I never would do, just because my friends are doing them. I want to live in the moment. I want to not make plans and to live day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute.

"That rebel moon is shining, those stars burn like diamonds hell bent on chasing down that crazy slide. I'll follow you where you're leading, to the first sweet taste of freedom. You got me running, baby, wild at heart."
- Gloriana

Signing off,
Abigail

EDIT: P.S. I am starting a band and writing a musical. Busy summer!